There’s a wet towel on my bed, my phone isn’t charging properly, and lately I’ve liked writing here way more than using Twitter, even though I haven’t posted much.

All that to say that I feel like living for myself is something I want to do, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling that. I don’t think I’m better off on my own, if that isn’t clear already. But I must say that my mind fits better inside my own head.

That being said, I still have a lot of mess to clean up. There still is a wet towel on my bed, and it seems heavy even if I know that I’m not supposed to lift it all the way; I just can’t let it keep wetting my bed. It’s more about sleeping, feeling tired after a “hard day of work.”

But it’s important to remember that the basics, the fundamentals of this sport, are still a hard one for me. I’ve never paid much attention to instructions, and I’m used to doing it my way. And my way works. But the problem is that right now I need to do the obvious, and oh lord, why is that so hard? I need to buy a decent cable for my charger; it isn’t expensive and it’ll make my life easier. It isn’t a major problem, but that’s the point.

Today I’ve slept more than I should but not as much as I could. I woke up and did nothing with the rest of my day because I had already declared it ruined. I hate doing this, and yet I do it all the time. At least I’ve stopped my endless search for an audience that made me feel uncomfortable on stage. I don’t need social media to get myself out there or some shit like that; I don’t want to speak stuff, I want to talk and say what I mean, even if it’s just for the moment. I guess that’s why this feels better.

I guess that’s why her smell is better than the numbness of cocaine.