I don’t know how it got so far away from what I had in sight. But it seems that it is virtually impossible to want love in this very life. Every day that passes, I realize that I must accept that love, as it’s called around in the streets, is something you find without searching.

Well, first of all, fuck that.

To be honest, I do not want love or anything close to that in my life right now. To be 1000% honest with you, I don’t even know if I’m ready to want love in my life. But then again, is it so exaggerated to demand a little tenderness? To want to hold someone I like tightly in my arms and tell them why and how much I like them?

Why does it have to be so much bullshit around wanting to be close to someone? Why do we immediately think of love when talking about matters of the heart? And I know I’m drunk right now. And to be even more straightforward, right now I don’t think I’d want anyone in melee range; I’m kinda in my aggressive vibes, you know?

It just pisses me off that most of the time I’m trying to live my life, choosing to experience the most out of it. And all of a sudden, I can’t just tell someone I want to kiss them just for the hell of it; I have to be all careful and stuff. And that goes for friendships as well, dear reader. Why on earth can’t we just be open about wanting to trust someone? Why aren’t people trustworthy? Why aren’t we ourselves trustworthy?

Why do I fear calling you up so much? Why don’t I feel the rush to call you? Why am I not crazy about meeting you? Why isn’t it enough to make me do something that might make me make a fool of myself? I just simply don’t feel it, and it angers me because neither of us, dear reader, have time in this life to not be too much. I want to run after someone in the storm; I want to take someone to a movie and talk with them about how much I hated it. I want to tell my friends how much I need them around.

But we probably won’t, because we’ve cheated our feelings before and we’ve made them bigger than they are for people who weren’t worth it, and now we are very careful about it. It’s too risky to pretend you “love” someone when you clearly are as afraid of rejection as you are interested in their affection.

And, again, I am not in love. I’m just angry and frustrated because I wish I could just call you and talk to you and find out whether or not we’re worth each other’s warmth.